In memory of my sister

In memory of my sister Jackie 🧡

With it being breast cancer awareness month, it really got me thinking, in fact, it brought me back to various periods in my life where I have been affected by cancer, not personally me but by the strong women in my life who are no longer with us, not all those beautiful women whom I knew who was affected by this awful illness had breast cancer. And I thought can one talk about how other types of cancers have impacted your life and in what way?

And I thought yes you can as the pain, hurt, and suffering no matter what C it is, it’s the same pain. And while I was doing my email to run my breast cancer awareness sale and to donate to a charity that supports those going through breast cancer at every stage, while I was doing that email my mind was just going over all the women I know who have passed on and each one of those thoughts is painful.

I lost my older sister Jackie to cancer 14 years ago; she had colon cancer. I remember how it started; she was not feeling well and thought that she had food poisoning or gastritis, and she went to her GP to find out what was happening as the pain and discomfort were not easing. By the way, my sister was a pharmacist in a very well-known hospital in London and I will come back to why this played a significant role in my sister becoming sick.
My sister went to the GP and they told her it was nothing, in fact, they told her it was acid build-up, how can you tell someone as a professional, without running any test or anything who comes in with a stomach complaint that they have a build-up of acid and just tell them to take antacids, and come to think of it even if it was acid build-up that is still a serious enough complaint to warrant further investigations, but no not in my sisters case. She was sent away to be in pain. This went on for 18 months, she kept going to the GP and they kept sending her away, all the while telling her it was nothing to worry about.

The hospital my sister worked at, they didn’t care either when my sister had to take time off because she was not getting any would you believe they gave her a hard time as they did not really believe when she told them how shit she was actually feeling! I recall that she would say that walking up the stairs at the hospital left her so breathless and weak, at this time as we did not know what was wrong with her we were not aware that the cancer was spreading by this time.
But she didn’t complain and got on with things as best as she could. I remember one Sunday back in 2008 we were at my mum's house for dinner, my nieces, nephew, my other sister, and my two daughters. My sister said to me “Look at my stomach when I eat something” and when I looked it looked like she had eaten a massive snake and it was trying to get out; the middle of her body (for context my sister was quite slim, between an 8-10) had swollen in the shape of a snake but in actual fact, it was part of her colon that swole up every time she ate something and would cause her pain.

My sister continued to go to the GP and they continued to tell her nothing was wrong apart from a build-up of acid. Then the beginning of the end happened. It was a weekday and I got a call from my other sister Annmarie to tell me that my sister Jackie was in hospital, in the same hospital where she worked as she had collapsed. My sister then said to me that they had admitted her to the oncology department and my heart dropped. I didn’t know as much then as I do now about cancer but I knew what oncology meant and I felt sick. I went to see my sister in hospital, my other sister was there, my sister's best friend. The oncology consultant had said that my sister had internal bleeding but they did not know where it was coming from, and from that moment on everything was a mix of a blur, and disbelief, the anger didn’t kick in until much later.

I think a couple of days after that my sister was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and it had metastasized to her lungs and liver, hence why she was getting so out of breath. 14 years ago, I did not know just how harmful chemo was, and all the doctors could say was that they were going to start my sister on a course of chemo, the first round would be starting within the week. My sister had a procedure to have a central line put in where the chemo would be delivered and so her journey began. I remember going to see her after her first round of chemo and she was so weak and tired, I remember her saying that food tasted like cardboard and that she had lost her sense of smell. But we were unknowingly hopeful that she would get better as we like so many other people and families believed that chemical therapy was the way to go! My sister was a Valentine's baby, and she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on her birthday in February 2008. Things went on as normal if that could have been a thing when you have a family member going through the most challenging time of their life and you are the little sister trying to make sense of everything.

After my sister had chemo I would take her around 2-3 weeks to start to feel normal again and just as she would start to feel okay they would zap her again and the whole nightmare would start again, only after each chemo session she would feel worse. I was studying criminology at university and used to miss lectures so that I could bring my sister for her treatments. My memories are still quite vivid of sitting in the room with her and other patients who were having their treatment. I recall that that room was so solemn and not very nice to look at, it was like you half knew that what was going on in this room was not altogether good and how many of the patients in there would finish the course and be okay.
My sister had 3 rounds of chemo, and things seemed to be looking up, she started to get her taste smell, and appetite back and for the first time, we all felt as a family that she had turned a corner. My sister's 3 children two girls and a boy were being as positive as could be, we became closer as a family. My sister booked fun appointments with her kids, they had fun days together, had a photoshoot day, and just made memories as even though the first round of chemo seemed to have slowed things down the tumours had shrunk and the ones on her lungs had gone. my sister said that life is too short and what if!!! I remember taking my sister to a lovely fish and chips shop in Fulham, London OMG their cod and chips were second to none, wish I could remember the name of it now and my sister said that for the first time in a while, she had actually enjoyed her food and it had taste! and did not feel like cardboard, result!

Then it was time for the second set of chemo and things declined from here on out. My sister lost her hair, her period stopped, and her fingers and toes went black from the toxins in the chemo, she was not in a good way.
I remember Jade Goody had recently passed away, and my sister said what if the same thing happens to her that happened to Jade? I said no way you are not going to die, but I think in the back of my mind I knew it was a possibility, but you try not to conceive those thoughts as to conceive those thoughts you know that nothing birthed from those thoughts is going to be good.
She had lost some weight but was not too bad considering what she was going through, and was she going through some real trials and tribulations but not once did my sister god rest her soul did she complain, if anything she wanted to live even more. She had told me once that she didn’t cry because if she started crying she would never stop and I felt that but knew I had to be strong for her.
at that stage, I did not know that my dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer but it was caught early, and my mum had also lost her speech after she had a stroke a few years back and suffered from aphasia which is to do with dementia, basically, my mum had lesions on her brain from the stroke that had affected the part of the brain that deals with speech, but if you know old school people they don’t like to fuss and my mum for years didn’t listen to us when we noticed that some of her words were getting harder for her to say. Needless to say life at this time was 100 crazy, not to mention my narcissistic daughter's dad who was a living nightmare on elm street, a total arse wipe so I was dealing with so much, I had a 5 and a 2-year-old, my mum was sick, my dad was diagnosed with cancer but didn’t want to make a fuss because he was worried about his daughter, but I thank god that he was okay after his operation to remove his prostate and he didn’t need treatment.

After the second round of chemo, we had the nasty news that the cancer had come back quite aggressive and now my sister’s status went from stage 4 to terminal. She didn’t have long to live; this was in April 2009 if my memory serves me correctly. I recall having a dream and in the dream, I was hoovering in my bedroom and my phone rang, it was my sister, she told me in the dream that she was going to die and I said no you are not.
That dream troubled me as a short time later, it was a Saturday, I was hoovering my bedroom and my phone rang, my sister told me she was going to die. My world just fell apart but I could not fall apart because just in the next room I had two small girls who needed me and I was a single parent. When my sister was first diagnosed with cancer I used to have this recurring dream, and in the dream, my sister was standing on a hill, and in the distance, all you could see was hill after hill with tree after tree in the distance but these trees were so green and the sky was so blue, there was a light wind blowing through my sister's hair and she looked so strong. I was standing behind her in these dreams, and I could hear a voice asking me how she was. I had this dream 3 times, and each time the voice would ask me how she was, by the 3rd dream I said she had died.

I remember one of the last times I saw my sister she was at home in her room, she had a basin with water and was trying to wash herself, but was too weak, so I washed her. As I was doing this I noticed her hospital bag was out and, some clothing, nightclothes, etc so I asked her what those things were for, she said that she had to go back to the hospital for a week or so, I asked her why and she said that she hasn’t been feeling too well and they want to start a different treatment. That was Thursday 6 August 2009, my sister went into the hospital on 7 August 2009, and my other sister Annmarie had gone with her, on 8 August 2009 I went to see her and she asked me how I would feel if she died and I? had said to her don’t be silly you are not going to die and we didn’t say any more about it. I wish now that I had told her exactly how I felt about her that I loved her and that if she died I think my heart would be broken forever. One thing that has never left me is that after my sister died I found out that she knew she was going into hospital to die, and my other sister also knew this and didn’t tell me. I struggled with that for a long time. I remember I had a packet of Starburst and she asked if she could have one, but she could not swallow it and nearly choked, I didn’t know that she had already started transitioning from this world. I stayed for a while longer then left as she was getting tired but said that I would speak to her the next day. I can't remember all my thoughts at that point but I remember driving home in a haze and just going through the motions once I had gotten home and picked up my girls.

On 9 August 2009, I tried calling my sister all day and could not get her, I thought why is she not answering her phone, I didn’t think the worst as no one had called me to say otherwise.
10 August my nephew called me my sister's son and said something so simple but to me signalled something was wrong. He said “Aunty can you call my grandad and tell him to come to the hospital” Now this may not seem strange but I am gonna tell you why that sentence sent my heart downwards and my anxiety through the roof. My nephew said to call his grandad which is my dad and my sister's dad and he had never referred to my dad as if he wasn’t my dad before so I knew something was dreadfully not right. I called my dad and passed on the message, then waited for what seemed like an eternity. Then my dad called me and said that I must call everyone and tell everyone to get to the hospital, my heart completely broke.

When I arrived at the hospital there was a sea of people, family, my sister's work colleagues old school friends. I went in to see my sister and could not believe that it was the same person I had just seen the day before, it was like all the weight had left her body overnight, her temperature was nearing 200 degrees and she was in so much pain, I went to her and hugged her gently, I touched her feet and they were so cold, everyone was crying and saying their goodbyes, my brother who had not really been a brother for a while was sitting outside my sister's room but I didn’t have it in me to console him at that point, I went back into my sister's room as my mum and dad were sitting with her, then she started saying in a scared voice I want my mum and dad, I thought but they are here, I didn’t realise that she had gone blind, her heart rate was so fast I was crazy and surreal all at the same time. Everything was shutting down. I felt lost but still held on to hope that she would pull through like in the movies. We all stayed for many hours.

I didn’t sleep that night and that night seemed to go on forever. On Tuesday 11 August, as it was the six weeks holiday and my girls were booked into holiday club I took them, and at the time I worked at a children’s charity term time only. I spoke with my sister Annmarie and said that I would pick up Mum, give her something to eat, and make my way down to the hospital, my brother and sister had stayed overnight with Jackie. I went to pick up my mum and on the drive back to my house my sister called me and said that Jackie had died, it was 15:30 on the 11 August one day before my mum’s birthday. How I didn’t crash I do not know I can only say that God was with me and my mum. All I could say was okay as I did not want to upset my mum and I needed to make sure he had something to eat as if I told her she would not have had anything to eat and my mum was a diabetic alongside everything else that was going on with her.

I got home and made my mum a cup of tea, then made some spaghetti Bolognese and gave my mum something to eat. Once she had eaten and rested for a bit I painfully told her that Jackie had died, the look on my mum's face will stay with me forever, it was the look of a lost child. All she could say was “Jackie died” Her tone was one of complete disbelief and her eyes went so wide, that I wanted to cry and scream, my chest hurt, and my head felt so tight but I had to keep it together for my mum. After that moment I went into auto piolet and can not remember all the finer details. I do remember that every day for one whole year I would wake up and for a few seconds everything was fine, then my breath would get taken away as I remembered, Jackie had died.
We planned the funeral, I became a mum of 5, my sister had a breakdown, and my mum was declining as like with us we could express how we felt and talk about our pain, as my mum had lost her speech and ability to cry it was like she was trapped with her emotions inside and her health deteriorated from there.

The funeral that I could remember of it was lovely, we made sure she had a beautiful send-off. It was six months from diagnosis to when my sister died, just six months. After the funeral I walked around in a daze, it was like the world had kept going and I was standing still whilst everything kept moving. I would go out and see others getting on with their lives and I would be screaming silently I AM HURTING. I looked after everyone every day for what seemed like an eternity. My sister's kids, my mum and sister, cooking and cleaning so I didn’t really have time to check on me.
After a while I actually went numb, I stopped feeling, I couldn’t feel anything, it was a really mixed-up time.
Over the years I learned a lot about cancer and how to treat it and what I have found is that chemical therapy is not for everyone and the majority of people going through cancer treatment especially if it is advanced do not do well with chemo. My mum's cat Demi would always make a beeline for my sister when we were all at my mum's on a Sunday and she would sit on my sister's lap and snuggle her head into my sister's belly, I didn’t know until some years later that cats smell cancer, I am sure dogs do to if the GP had taken my sister seriously then maybe she would have still been here and we wouldn’t have had to go through the tremendous grief that we did, maybe my sister would have been here to see her grandbabies and she how her babies grew to be beautiful upstanding people, my mum died 5 years after my sister and I know that plays a big part in the quick decline of my mum's health.

As I said early on my sister was a pharmacist, I remember her studying for years to become a pharmacist and we were so proud of her, but what I know about pharmaceuticals now, I wish she never studied for that, you see my sister used to make up the chemotherapy treatments for the patients and had to work with the very toxic chemical, even though she wore a suit like a hazmat suit but I know in my heart that some of those chemicals got into her system and caused her cancer.
Nowadays I don’t touch pharma if I don’t have to, I just about take a paracetamol, I have gone down the holistic route and have not looked back. Through my readings and research, I have found so much information in regards to treating cancer and aiding the body in healing itself, personally, I feel that natural is the way to go when treating the body in any circumstance as what I have found is that pharmaceuticals mask what is going on and not treating and enabling the body to heal its self.

I also find it utterly unacceptable that those who are going through life with cancer are not supported how they should be supported. The government doesn’t give a shit as they do not help cancer charities, these charities have to fundraise themselves, which just shows that the government does not care, the NHS isn’t the same patient care is not a top priority, and hasn’t been that way for a long time. If you have taken the time to read this, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask that you share this blog with as many people as possible, if I can help just one man, woman, or child then my sister’s death and all the other beautiful souls who were misdiagnosed death would not be in vain. I also have some wonderful information to share in regards to natural treatments that are not going to leave your body desolate and harmed, and this is not just for cancer or cancer-related illness, but to keep the body healthy and functioning. I thank God for getting me through a period in my life that hurt so bad and still helping me to this day as you never ever forget them, time just helps to make things easier to manage. And for any of you that have been impacted by cancer whether it be a personal impact, friend, or family I want to wish you all the best and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please feel free to drop me an email at tania.z@kandysclothes.com about anything that may have struck a chord or anything you wish to ask or request.

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Best regards, good vibes, and positive energy x

Tania CEO at Kandy’s Clothes